Maybe

This feels different. I can’t seem to explain it to anyone. I’ve never been like this after a relationship ended. Normally, I’m sad it ended, but I believe that it was for the best. But now, I can’t let go. It wasn’t supposed to end. There’s some larger connection between us. The only clear thought in my mind is that I will wait for him. Wait for him to grow up, to want to try again with me. I can only hope that, when he does, he’ll still have feelings for me. That he’ll still look at me the same way. I was so much happier when I was with him. And he was there for me, when no one else was. Through the haze of my depression, he was the only one I felt safe to turn to. I can’t believe that that was just a coincidence. We had such a wonderful, instant connection. I still feel tied to him. I wonder if he feels it, too. If he misses me at all. If part of him wishes he’d been ready to stay with me. I wish I knew how long I’ll need to wait. Or if my waiting is foolish. I wish I could mark off the days on a calendar until he is with me again. No one’s ever wanted me the way he did. No one ever thought I was so attractive. It was so amazing to be wanted like that. No one’s ever not been able to sit through a movie because they wanted me so badly. I’ve never felt so desired. We complimented each other so well. I’ve never been so attracted to someone who felt the same way about me. I hope he  comes back to me. Maybe once he gets his Masters and maybe settles down here to work for a while. Maybe he’ll call me and we’ll meet and it’ll be like no time has passed.

Well, at least she’s not totally against me ever trying something with him again. I just can’t seem to convey how this was different. He doesn’t mean to hurt me. He never does. He’s really not that clever or sadistic. He likes to have fun. That’s one of the things I like about him. He was someone I could go do things with. I do wish she could be here. I think it’d help. I hate being broken. I hate never getting to be happy.

The end of it

It happened. I knew it would, couldn’t imagine how it couldn’t. But it didn’t make it any easier. Made it almost worst, watching it end and being completely unable to stop it. Unable to change his mind, to change him. I know I feel this way every time a relationship ends, but I just don’t know how I can get over him. The only problems I had with him stemmed from his inability to be in a serious relationship. If somehow that piece of the puzzle were intact, I can’t imagine being with anyone else. And a thought would cross my mind, one I’ve never had about anyone ever before: what if he’s the one? What if I spend the rest of my life with him? I could see that happening. I’ve never felt that before with anyone. We had something special. He said he felt it too. He still senses that. There just seems to be some powerful connection between us. And I don’t know how I can ignore that. A large part of me hopes that someday, he will grow up and we can try again. That he’ll come back to me. That he’ll realize we’re meant to be together. I remember when we went to his hometown, visiting his old boss, watching him play with her children. I remember wondering what it would be like to be married to him, to raise children with him. Even though he ended up not being able to be in the relationship with me, he made a very valiant attempt. I was so happy those first few months, and felt so supported and cared about. He’s such a caring person. And I loved his talkativeness, his energy, his excitement for life. I felt like he could have brought out the better parts of me. I just felt so comfortable with him. Now I’m attempting to move on, and failing. I can’t help but compare everyone to him. I long for that initial attraction, that spark we had. We got along so well, so quickly. The only awkwardness was from us trying to determine what the other thought of us. I just feel like there’s some force, pushing us together. I’ve never felt like this before. I wish he felt the same sadness I do. I wish he was more effected by this. I know I probably shouldn’t see him when he comes back, but I can’t help myself. I long to see those green eyes, his smile, to hear his voice. To try to remain in his life, to be a reminder of what he can have once he grows up. To try and wait, as patiently as possible. I’ve never wanted to wait before. I don’t want to give up hope. I want this separation to be a funny story we tell people later in life. I want to be with someone who found me so attractive, and who I felt the same about.

FU

It was my fucking Renn Fayre. I fucking did whatever I wanted to. I fucking finished my thesis, I deserved to celebrate. And I didn’t want you to be a part of that. Fucking deal with it. I didn’t come ruin your Renn Fayre, so leave mine fucking alone. Everywhere I go I see you. I can’t get away from you. I can’t relax and enjoy myself because you’re everywhere. Despite the fucking fact that you graduated and it’s not fucking about you. Fuck you. I don’t give a shit if my behaviors made you angry. I was going to do what I fucking wanted to. And it didn’t involve you. And I thought you were done, over this. Why then do you keep sending me stupid emails that aren’t going to get anywhere? I fucking don’t know how to fix this. Things happened. There’s no point in rehashing them, once again. I was being selfish, focusing on my needs. Excuse me. Sorry for putting myself first, for wanting to graduate on time, for being unable to deal with stressful things above and beyond my thesis and graduate school. Just fucking move out of P. already. Then I can start anew. Find a friend who understands when I’m stressed and busy and dating someone. You could have fucking asked me to come keep you company when you recovering. But you never bothered, did you. So it’s all my fault for listening too closely to you, for once. Fuck you. I don’t care if you’re angry. I had a shitty Renn Fayre anyways, hope you’re happy. I’m doing what I need to do. And that’s what I was doing. I didn’t want to interact with you. Take a fucking hint. How am I supposed to fix things when you’re constantly angry with me? Why would I want to be friends again with someone who’s mad at me? Sounds like a great way to start a friendship: one person’s already mad at the other. We’re never going to get anywhere if you keep bringing up the past. Why does it matter so much? Why does everything need an explanation? My gut said “avoid him”, so that’s what I did. Don’t think about him, because it makes you upset. I was doing something for myself. Fuck you for getting angry about that. Fuck you for getting angry about me trying to have a good time without you. Why do you want to talk about this in person? You know how well that went last time. You know me: I can’t have emotional conversations in person. I either burst into tears or become tongue tied and unable to express myself coherently on the spot. None of those would be very productive.

The End?

I just don’t understand how he could have changed so drastically. He acts so differently from the earlier part of our relationship. Where are the sweet texts, the excitement upon seeing me? He didn’t even come meet me at the airport this time. I feel so unimportant. I’ve been back for 24 hours, with no hope of seeing him until the weekend. Doesn’t he care? Did he not miss me at all? I’m scared of the impending conversation. I can sense that it won’t end well. That I will have to give him up. And there’s nothing I can do about it. If he doesn’t want to change for me, I can’t make him. I don’t want to lose him. I feel like I’d gotten so close this time. Finally found a guy I’m hopelessly attracted to, and now I may have to let him go. How could I ever look at him again, knowing he wasn’t mine? He has to grow up sometime. I know he doesn’t want to be a bachelor forever. He needs to learn how to be successful in a committed relationship, how to treat a girl so she’s happy with him. For more  than a few months. I just don’t know if he’s going to say he’s willing to try with me. I just wanted to see him for a little bit, not to have this conversation. I did miss him. I wish I could find someone who cared about me as much as I cared about them. I always seem to be the one more invested in the relationship. Why can’t there be a balance? But there was, for those first few months. I was so thrilled. Now, I am at a loss. I don’t understand it. I don’t want to start again. We had such a connection; he said so himself. He said it’d been a long time since he felt so close to someone. Doesn’t that mean something? Isn’t that worth fighting for? We match up so wonderfully. Of all the ways for him to be a stereotypical guy, it has to be in regards to commitment. I wish he felt the way I do. I wish he could still make me feel special.

Damn

I just don’t understand why he can’t do this for me. He must see how much it matters to me. Why can’t he make this sacrifice, to make me happy? I’d do anything for him. I’ve done lots of things to make him happy. Does he not care about me anymore? Am I not that important to him? I just don’t get why he can’t be supportive of my accomplishment. And I miss him terribly. I didn’t get to see him all weekend, and now I have to wait until Sunday. All because he can’t deal with it. But he’s so important to me. I can’t force him.  But I want him to be there so badly. I had all these wonderful day dreams about sitting in his arms on the lawn, watching the fireworks, walking home with him at night. It was going to be so perfect. And now I will never have that. Maybe if we were father along in our relationship he would have been able to do this. The rest of the time he’s such a good boyfriend I forget that this scares him and is new for him. I’m nervous about where our conversation is headed. I don’t want to scare him off for good. I wish he was happy here. I wish there was something I could do about that. I wish I could make things easier for him. I wish being in this relationship wasn’t hard for him. This has been the easiest relationship I’ve been in for a long time. We just seem to go so well together. Well this does give me a pretty good picture on how he’d react if I told him my exact feelings. Heh he’s such a guy sometimes. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I want him to be happy. I’m not sure what to do with this information. It doesn’t seem like he wants to break up with me, which is good. And though he doesn’t like it here, I’m fairly certain he’s not leaving until he finishes at school. So we can worry more about where our relationship is going once one of us decides to move away. And I could tell he’s having problems being here, away from all his friends. I just don’t know what to do about that. At least I hope he’s not intending to end things. I think he likes being with me, it’s just hard sometimes, which I understand. If only he weren’t so scared of commitment. Makes me nervous, every time he mentions it. I’m worried that one day, it’s going to be too much for him and he’ll leave. He’s done it before, though much quicker. Not really sure how I’ve managed to capture him for so long. I want to be with him, but I’m afraid of being too clingy. I don’t think I’m supposed to be doing something with this information. I wish he was more comfortable with this so I could be a little more needy. At least right now, I could use a little more attention. Currently, I’m scared to ask though. I wish I could take dance with him. It’d be so much fun, having such a hot dance partner. And it’d allow me to keep an eye on all the other girls, eying him. I really wish he wasn’t going to gone for so much of the summer. I had been hoping we’d get to do some things together. I wish we could both take a break right now and spend a bunch of time together, reconnect. Like winter break. Things just feel a bit different, and I’m not sure why. I hope he feels a bit guilty about not coming and tries to make it up to me somehow. I just want some attention, to be reminded that he cares about me and that I do matter to him. I currently don’t really feel that. He’s making all his summer plans and doesn’t even mention me. I don’t mean that we’d be going away somewhere, but he could just suggest that we do some fun things too. Let me know he’s not forgotten about me.

Life Continues

I just feel ignored, unsupported. A.’s boyfriend was much more excited about her turning in her thesis; writing on her wall, taking her out for a nice evening, generally being enthusiastic. I understand mine just got back from a trip, but some excitement would be appreciated. It is a big accomplishment, something I think everyone could understand whether or not they’re a Reedie. I like listening to him talk about himself and his recent experiences, but it would be nice if he checked in a little more with me, asked about my day. And I waited so patiently in the hopes of getting to celebrate my accomplishment with him, and now I don’t get to. I know my upcoming weekend shouldn’t be so dependent on his presence, but it is. I know how I work. I know that I will be unhappy if he’s not there. I haven’t gotten to see him much, and I was really looking forward to seeing him lots this weekend. I don’t know which he has a larger issue with, so I don’t know how I should be preparing my arguments. I really wish we didn’t have to have this talk. I wish he could just be supportive and come. I just feel like I’ve been doing a lot for him recently, and I wish he could return the favor. I drove to fucking California for the sole purpose of meeting his friends, where I knew absolutely nobody. Why can’t he come meet my friends, of whom he is already acquainted with a few? It’s really not that crazy of a weekend. At least I don’t take it that way. My bff just considered flying out for the weekend, and he’s in the same city as me and doesn’t want to come. I’m just not sure what has changed. It’s just a subtle feeling. Like he sends me hardly any impromptu texts now. I think he’s still mostly as affectionate when I’m with him. I hope he can find it in him to do this for me. I just know that if he’s not there, I’m just going to spend the whole time wishing I was with him, reaching for him, wanting to touch him. Which would suck. I wish he was more supportive of my accomplishment, shown some genuine interest in it. I know he is good at giving me attention, because he’s done it before. I guess he is busy and stressed about things. But it doesn’t take much to congratulate me a bit. I was so eagerly awaiting a hug, a smile, something. It’s still a stressful time for me, too. My world of four years is coming to an end. Everything is changing. Friends are leaving, I’m changing schools and focuses. I was hoping for a bit of support from him. I missed him. I can’t tell if he missed me.

The Aftermath

What I feared most has come to pass. I have somehow lost him; he truly does not care anymore, he “is done”. I don’t know what his real reason is, I only have my own and friends’ explanations. That he is jealous of my happiness with my new boy, that he can’t handle the fact that I don’t desperately need him anymore, that he doesn’t understand how he continuously hurts me, the stress he is causing me, that he is a hypocrite for pushing me away for the same thing he has been doing to me for the last year. It doesn’t make it any easier, or fill the void that he’s naturally left. I miss her even more now, now that I’m on my own. I thought about this, and I have noticed a pattern. This is not the first, or the second time friends have so obviously abandoned me. Why am I driving people away, when friends are so important to me? I turn even more now towards the comfort of my new boy. Someone caring, sweet, incredibly understanding, supportive. I now don’t know where I’d be without him to lean on. I wonder what he will say to people when they start to notice we are no longer friends. What explanation will he give for his side, to cast himself in the positive light? What will our mutual friends think? I have told a few, but don’t know their inner thoughts on the situation. Who do they think is more at fault? I’m much too scared to try and open this again in the near future, to try again. I’m scared of being bitten again, of being hurt so strongly. I don’t understand how he can inflict so much pain on me. He knew I’d cry myself to sleep endlessly over him; did my tears not move him in any way? And his cold treatment now, when it would be so nice to have his support during this stressful time. Maybe he truly is selfish. Now I try to fill my thoughts with my new boy, who is wonderful. I couldn’t be more glad I found him at this particular point in my life. He, on the other hand, takes such great care to not hurt me. All he wants to do is make me feel cared about. His words, his presence, his touch, have become so intoxicating. We’ve been together for four short months now, and I can’t wait to keep spending more time with him.

FML

I don’t understand why my feelings don’t matter. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I don’t understand why he can’t make plans with me. We used to do that. Now I’m not important enough to bother making plans with. He says my feelings matter, but they don’t. He never does anything to try and make me feel better; he’ll just stay with her. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to set aside a whole evening for me. What has changed? And she wonders why I hate her. Because she’s taken away my only source of happiness in this horrible world. Now, I don’t know why I bother getting up in the morning, showering, eating, doing anything. I have nothing, she has everything. I wish he would do something for me, show that he actually cares. I wish he could just say no to her once in a while. I wish my attempt to make plans with him meant something to him. I wish I could get some kind of reward for leaving him alone all this week. But no, of course I don’t. Why the fuck should I get anything. He’s wrong. I am losing him. I no longer matter as much to him. I have no purpose. I honestly don’t understand why he can’t decline. It wasn’t like they asked weeks in advance. I don’t know why he feels so compelled to drop everything for these people. People make plans in advance, they must understand that. He just doesn’t sit at home, waiting around for their call. He says he cares about me, but he doesn’t act like it. At the first chance he runs off to be with her. How can I help not being upset? I was hoping I’d get at least one day with him this week; apparently that’s too much to ask. I wish they would go on one of their off periods. I don’t understand what happened. What about that night he lay in my arms, crying over her? Did that mean nothing? How do you just brush over that? I really wish he cared about my feelings. He causes me so much pain, it’d be really nice to have more than an hour break once in a while. I wish I had some say over him. I wouldn’t abuse it. I wish I just had some way to get him to say no to her calling. I really couldn’t survive losing him as a friend, too. He says I’m not, but how else can I explain what’s going on? I can feel him drifting away. I really wish he would prove me wrong.

The Beginning of the End

I wish my love wasn’t unhealthy. I wish he felt some small piece of what I feel. I wish I didn’t have to watch him leave my arms for someone he cares for more. I wish I wasn’t always alone. I wish someone cared for me, needed me. I wish I felt like I had a purpose, like I was making a difference in someone’s life. I long for affection, closeness. I can’t imagine how I will ever get over him. I’ve been more or less carrying a torch for him for almost two years now, and my feelings have only grown stronger. I spent months away from him, halfway across the world in another country. And yet, all I can think of is the feel of his lips against my skin, the way he smells after he showers, the security I feel in his arms. He thinks I’m beautiful, but that’s all. This seems to be my never ending punishment for letting him go in the first place. And oh, how I regret that decision. I wait, knowing my phone will not ring. He will not be leaving her side. She has him wrapped around her finger just enough to keep him to herself, but not caring enough to commit to him. She selfishly holds onto him, despite their incompatibilities, not allowing him to move on from her to someone else. Maybe if he was able to let go of her, he could learn to care for me in that way again. But his heart is so tangled up in her traps, naturally he is unable to fathom caring for another. Even though he rejects me, I still wait, and hope he will change his mind. It’s all I can do. I don’t know how to get over him, nor do I think I’d have it in me.

On top of all this, I wish I could say if I’m bi or not. I’m hesitant to involve this new guy in my issues, as I don’t want anyone else to have to hurt. But I long for company so much. And sometimes the concept of rebound works. And it’d be nice to have someone to turn to who isn’t my love, just to be held by. If we got involved I’d have to make both of these issues clear. Which would probably just scare him off, and be even worse. I wish my other best friend was here to help me, the one I’m not in love with. She’s a straight girl, maybe she could help me understand my inclinations. And I miss her terribly.

He isn’t calling. She has won and entrapped him once again. I hate how she keeps interfering with whatever plans I attempt to make with him. He promised me the weekend. And now, who knows when I’ll see him tomorrow. I wish I could go back in time, to March of my freshman year. I was so happy then, the happiest I’d been and would be for quite some time. I awoke with a smile on my face, and would rush to the moment I would see him. And I made him happy; Rachel told me so. I wish I still could make him happy. I wish he would still look at me in that same way. I wish he knew if his feelings could change or not. Maybe it’s that last shock I need to let go of him. But then again, you never forget your first love. And I don’t count high school love.

I hate how my feelings for him make his life worse, instead of better. I hate how my first love is such a disaster. I wish I could take a break from all this heartache. I wish I could get a clean slate, start anew. Be able to be interested in others without wishing they were him.

I wish I didn’t need him so much. I wish I didn’t want him, on some mysterious and confusing level. I wish I knew that if I found someone, I’d be able to give them my heart. Which still seems to be in his possession. I wish I knew how to let go of him, the memory of his touch, to stop longing for him day and night. His smell still intoxicates me, I still only feel safe in his arms. I wish I could be with him, I really wish I could change. I think we’d be happy together. I wish my mind could decide which way it wants to go. To either let me get over him so I can find a girl, or let me be physical with him in the way he’d like. I’d do anything for him, and yet I can’t do the things I should. I miss being held by a guy, by someone who can pick me up like I weigh nothing.

I wish he was here. I wish I’d been able to talk to him once over the past days. I knew it would matter, that something would be different. I wish I could be with him now. I really hope I get to see him over winter break. I really don’t want to go to another crappy restaurant, eat for an hour, and then go back to my room as if it’s just any other day. I don’t understand why I should need to be there, it’s basically just another day of the week.