What I feared most has come to pass. I have somehow lost him; he truly does not care anymore, he “is done”. I don’t know what his real reason is, I only have my own and friends’ explanations. That he is jealous of my happiness with my new boy, that he can’t handle the fact that I don’t desperately need him anymore, that he doesn’t understand how he continuously hurts me, the stress he is causing me, that he is a hypocrite for pushing me away for the same thing he has been doing to me for the last year. It doesn’t make it any easier, or fill the void that he’s naturally left. I miss her even more now, now that I’m on my own. I thought about this, and I have noticed a pattern. This is not the first, or the second time friends have so obviously abandoned me. Why am I driving people away, when friends are so important to me? I turn even more now towards the comfort of my new boy. Someone caring, sweet, incredibly understanding, supportive. I now don’t know where I’d be without him to lean on. I wonder what he will say to people when they start to notice we are no longer friends. What explanation will he give for his side, to cast himself in the positive light? What will our mutual friends think? I have told a few, but don’t know their inner thoughts on the situation. Who do they think is more at fault? I’m much too scared to try and open this again in the near future, to try again. I’m scared of being bitten again, of being hurt so strongly. I don’t understand how he can inflict so much pain on me. He knew I’d cry myself to sleep endlessly over him; did my tears not move him in any way? And his cold treatment now, when it would be so nice to have his support during this stressful time. Maybe he truly is selfish. Now I try to fill my thoughts with my new boy, who is wonderful. I couldn’t be more glad I found him at this particular point in my life. He, on the other hand, takes such great care to not hurt me. All he wants to do is make me feel cared about. His words, his presence, his touch, have become so intoxicating. We’ve been together for four short months now, and I can’t wait to keep spending more time with him.
« FML
